


Can't Remember to Forget You

by Drea_NinjaKitty



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, One Shot, but those aren't too descriptive, descriptions of feelings of anxiety and panic, feelings of desperation and dread too, i also wrote another fluffy one before this, i still dont know how to properly tag, im sorry, shameless self promo, theres a fluffy one coming soon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-07-28 17:15:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7649542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Drea_NinjaKitty/pseuds/Drea_NinjaKitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dan went out for milk, why isnt he answering his phone?"<br/>"Oh, Phil, honey..."<br/>~~~~~<br/>The devastating cliché fic with texting that no one asked for but i made it anyway. Brace yourself, kids.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Remember to Forget You

**Author's Note:**

> I've only ever written 2 fics but so far, this one is my child. I cried in a few places but that's okay, I really like how it turned out. Let me know what you think.

       _Dan and Phil were walking home from what was supposed to be a quick trip for milk, unoccupied hands brushing occasionally a few seconds too long when they thought no one was looking. They came to the crosswalk and waited for it to signal. A sudden earsplitting screech rang throughout the street and suddenly Phil felt himself falling backward. A car slammed into the building on his left, a mere foot away from where he was standing._

_“Oh my gosh,” He gasped, still on the ground, “Dan, are you alright? I think I tripped and fell backwards but it’s lucky that I did…”_

_Phil couldn’t hear an answer over the shrill sirens filling the street. He slowly sat up, grimacing from the pain radiating from the impact of his body slamming into the cement. Paramedics suddenly swarmed in, restraining him in order to prevent him from hurting himself further._

_“I’m fine, please make sure Dan’s okay, I haven’t heard from him!” He snapped._

_“Sir, I really need to check you for any concussions or broken bones. Let me do my job, so the rest of my crew can help your friend,” A paramedic told him in a soothing voice._

_Phil allowed the paramedic to check him over, silently praying to all the gods he could think of, for Dan._

_“Please, tell me how Dan is doing, is he okay?” Phil asked again, his voice filled with desperation._

_“I’m so sorry,” He heard faintly, before passing out._

     Phil woke with a gasp. A cold sweat drenched his body, sheets clinging to his bare skin. The room was freezing and felt too empty. He blindly searched for Dan, coming up blank. Phil turned on the fairy lights decorating the headboard and saw he was indeed alone.

     “Dan?” Phil called, slightly breathless. No reply.

     “Dan,” He tried again, louder. No reply.

     Phil grabbed his phone from the nightstand to check the time. 7 a.m. “Where could he be this early in the morning?”

     Pulling on his socks, Phil padded into the kitchen, hoping Dan was making breakfast for the both of them. No Dan. He entered the kitchen, anyway; might as well make himself a secret bowl of cereal. Phil grabbed a box of cereal and a bowl from the cupboards and then turned to grab the milk, when he noticed the note on the fridge.

       Out of milk, be back soon. xx

                                                       -Dan  

      Phil felt a small weight fall from his shoulders. That’s where Dan is, he went to buy milk. He put the cereal and bowl away and went back to Dan’s bed. As soon as Phil’s head hit the pillow, he remembered his nightmare. Phil felt his heart sink. He hugged Dan’s pillow as he felt his throat grow thick and his eyes sting with hot, heavy tears. They spilled over as he let out a heart-wrenching sob into Dan’s pillow. Phil took a shuddering breath and inhaled the scent of the pillow.

     “It’s okay, Dan just went out for some milk, he’ll be back soon,” he told himself, voice trembling, “It was just a bad dream, Dan is fine, he just went out for some milk,”

     He couldn’t hold back the tears that came spilling down again as he relived his nightmare for the hundredth time that week. Phil started sleeping in Dan’s bed when his reoccurring nightmare wouldn’t stop. He hoped Dan’s presence would comfort him and help keep the horrible dreams away. He pulled the soft duvet up to his chest and laid back. “For goodness sake, Phil, pull yourself together!” he scolded, “You need to be calm before Dan comes home,”

     He burrowed further into the monochromatic bedding, allowing the faint smell of Dan’s familiar and comforting scent to envelop him. He tried to stay awake, hoping to hear Dan coming home, however, Phil soon fell asleep and dreamed of their trip to Japan.

                                                                                   -------------------------------------------

     Bzzzzzzt bzzzzzzzt _._ Phil woke abruptly for the second time. This time, he could see pinpricks of light peaking out from the thick curtains. He rolled over, hoping to come face to face with Dan so he could peck him awake and they could commence a warm cuddle session, to ease the sharpness of the still freezing room. Empty. Bzzzzzzt bzzzzzzzt. Phil scrambled on the bed, in search for his phone. What if Dan’s calling? Phil shook out the sheets and heard a thud from the other side of the bed. He threw himself forwards, in hopes of answering the phone in time.

     “Gotcha!” Phil exclaimed. He turned it over to see Louise’s picture on the screen. Why was Louise calling him at this hour?

     “Good morning,” Phil said into the phone, stifling a yawn.

     “Good morning? Phil, did you just wake up, it’s 2:15 in the afternoon!” Louise said, bewildered.

     “What? —” Phil checked the time quickly. It was indeed 2:15. “—no, no of course not, it was a joke! What’s up?”

     “Okay, if you say so. I was calling to see if we were still meeting up at 3, you wouldn’t answer my texts so I called, in case they weren’t going through.” Louise said, softly.

     Phil internally panicked for a second, he had honestly forgotten he was supposed to meet Louise for a late lunch and maybe a small walk around the shops.

     “Yeah, of course! It’s just, I had forgotten to charge my phone last night and so it was completely dead this morning. I left it charging in the bedroom while I hung out in the lounge and I just came in to check on it. But yeah, we’re still meeting at 3…could you remind me where we’re eating, though? I don’t remember if we decided the café…” Phil lied, a bit too smoothly.

     “Yeah, we decided the café since it’s a good halfway point and it’s near the shops so it’s a win-win.” Louise, confirmed.

     After a few more minutes of planning, Louise ended the call. Phil sat in bed for a few minutes, thinking it all over before he remembered it was 2 in the afternoon and he hadn’t heard from Dan.

**-Hey, where are you?**

**-Have you bought milk yet?**

**-You should also buy another box of cereal…just in case…**

      Phil frowned at his phone after not getting any replies. Dan is always on his phone; why wouldn’t he answer? Phil decided to check his Twitter for any interesting happenings, when he noticed he had a missed call. Upon opening the app, the voicemail section showed him he had a voicemail from Dan and he quickly tapped it to play.

     “Hey Phil, I know I went out for milk a long time ago, but I ended up taking a walk through a park. Don’t worry, I already ate something, but I’m at the shop, now, so I’ll be home soon… Bye, love you!” Dan’s voice filled the room.

     Phil felt a strange longing in his chest, why did he miss Dan so much? Phil noticed his cheek was strangely wet. He tentatively touched the strange wetness and realized it was a tear. Before he knew it, he was sobbing uncontrollably. He grabbed the pillow Dan always slept on and hugged it to his chest, pressing his face into it. Dan’s voice echoed in his mind from years ago, when he stressed himself into a panic state.

_“Hey, Philly, you’re okay, you’re safe. Here, I know this is going to seem a little strange but put your face into the cushion, hold your breath, and count slowly to 5.” Dan softly said, handing him a couch cushion._

_Phil did what Dan suggested and he heard Dan telling him to slowly breathe._

_“Good, Phil, now I need you to take a deep breath in, remove your face from the pillow, and exhale slowly. Breathe in, 2, 3, 4. Hold it, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and breathe out, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.” Dan instructed, calmly. “That’s great, Phil, do you feel alright, now? Keep doing that until your breathing regulates, okay?”_

_Phil took a few more deep breaths before answering, “Better, now, thanks Dan,”_

_Dan smiled, tenderly, and sweetly kissed Phil on the forehead._

     Phil repeated Dan’s instructions now, inhaling air through the pillow and then releasing it. He did 4-7-8 until he felt himself breathing normally and gave the pillow one last squeeze, before setting it back on the messy bed. After checking the time again, Phil decided he had enough time to take a quick shower before heading off.

     Once he was clean, he padded back to Dan’s room and picked up a jumper Dan had lying around.  It was the Gryffindor jumper and Phil couldn’t help but pull it on. He may be a Hufflepuff, but Hufflepuff’s are forgiving; surely, they would forgive him for sporting a Gryffindor jumper. He was sure Dan wouldn’t mind either; besides Dan borrowed his t-shirts all time.

     Phil smelled of Dan and he couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of being wrapped up in his arms. He decided to text Dan again, to let him know where he was going to be.

**-I’m going to the café near Regent’s Park. Gonna meet Lou for some lunch and a quick trip around the shops.**

**-Txt me when you get home plz. Love you xx**

            He slipped his phone into his pocket, grabbed his coat, stuffed his wallet and keys into it and with a final tug on his shoes, he was out the door, hailing a cab.

                                                                                   -----------------------------------------------

     Phil entered the small café and quickly spotted Louise sitting near a window. She waved to him and he walked over, giving her a small smile as he went. It was warm in the café, the crisp smell of fresh ground coffee filled his nostrils. There was a slight hint of freshly baked pastries in the air that made his mouth water. Phil took the seat directly across from Louise and heard his stomach grumble.

     “I came hungry,” He said, giving her a sheepish smile and patting his stomach.

     “Do you know what you want? We can start ordering, if you’d like,” Louise told him, nodding understandingly.

     Phil settled on a fancy sandwich, coffee, and a freshly baked pastry. While Louise ordered he decided to check his phone for Dan’s ‘I’m home’ text. He felt a mix of disappointment and sadness upon seeing his lock screen empty of texts. However, he did give a small smile at seeing the picture of his screen of him and Dan laughing at some dumb inside joke Dan said right before taking the picture.

_“Hey Dan, we should show Twitter our night in,” Phil suggested to the brunette boy who was occupied in fixing himself into a snuggly burrito._

_“Oh, now you mention it, after I’ve finally fixed myself into a comfortable position!” Dan playfully protested._

_“Yes, because I haven’t settled in, yet, so you don’t have to move!” Phil rebutted, equally playful._

_Dan huffed before telling Phil to come closer. Phil scooted over to the spot directly next to Dan and opened the camera app. He aimed the phone until they were both in shot. Phil smiled and looked at Dan’s face on the screen to check if he was ready._

_“Chiiieeeepss,” He heard Dan whisper abruptly._

_Phil’s face scrunched in confusion before both boys erupted into fits of laughter. Phil laughed so intensely, tears ran down his eyes. Dan was red in the face, wheezing, and clutching his stomach. After ten minutes they finally managed to compose themselves. They took another few minutes for their faces to return to normal shades and their eyes to clear from all the tears that had been spilt from silliness._

_“Okay, let’s try that again without any funny business, yeah?” Phil giggled, momentarily losing his resolve to not burst into laughter again._

_They tried again and successfully took a serious—but not_ too _serious—picture. Phil looked it over to make sure they looked okay and noticed he had taken one right before they lost it. Dan was smiling widely, his dimple profound on his cheek, and a mischievous glint in his eyes. Phil’s eyes were scrunched in, also smiling widely with his tongue slightly poking out from his teeth. Both were great pictures; he wasn’t sure which to post. He decided to ask Dan for his opinion._

_“Aw, they’re both so nice. This one where we’re laughing is more genuine, but the calmer one looks more appropriate for ‘a night in’… I’m leaning towards, posting the calm one but keeping the laughter one for ourselves?” Dan suggested thoughtfully._

_“Hmm, that makes sense. I’m sending you the laughing one…now!” Phil agreed, pressing send on his photo message to Dan._

_“I really like this photo, you know? It’s nice, like… it’s very happy,” Dan said quietly, looking it over._

_“It is_ very _happy…I’m going to make it my new lock screen,” Phil replied._

_Dan smiled shyly. He leaned over and pressed a kiss on Phil’s cheek. Before Dan could go back to his position, Phil swiftly kissed Dan’s cheek back, admiring the way the lighting showcased Dan’s blush._

_“You’re such a sap.” Dan mumbled, hiding his face in his hands, the corners of his mouth betraying a smile._

_“I’m your sap,” Phil lovingly countered._

     Louise and Phil’s food came and went, their conversation remained cheerful and pleasant, however Phil couldn’t help but feel uneasy when he never felt his phone vibrate with Dan’s text. Louise excused herself to go to the bathroom and Phil took advantage of the opportunity and sent Dan more texts.

**-Hope you’re home and just forgot to text.**

**-Lunch was yummy, these pastries are delish**

**\- I’ll bring one home for you**

**-I’ve missed you**

Once Louise returned, Phil put his phone away, asked for an extra 2 pastries to-go and the bill.  If Louise gave him a questioning look, Phil didn’t catch it and she didn’t say anything. They left the café feeling pleasantly full and made their way to the shops.

     Surprisingly, there weren’t many people walking through the shops. They passed through Lush, showing each other their favorite scents. Phil picked up a black bath bomb and commented how it was very Dan. Louise agreed before suggesting they try a different shop before they spent all day in just one.

     They walked through different clothing stores, casually browsing but still looking for good deals. Throughout it all, Phil kept sneaking glances at his phone when he thought Louise wasn’t looking. Still no texts from Dan.

**-I found a black bath bomb and it reminded me of you**

**-Plz text soon**

**-Found this beaut _Attachment: 1 image_**

**-Can I bring this dog home _Attachment: 1 image_**

**-Are you upset with me?**

**-I’m sorry**

**-I love you <3**

Phil gave in and texted Dan whenever Louise went into the fitting rooms. He had a sinking feeling in his gut that he couldn’t shake but he was determined to not let it get to him. He kept up his smile and talked animatedly with Louise.

     By 6:30, they were both feeling tired and had a small journey ahead of them to return home. They decided to grab another quick cup of coffee and a light snack to keep them going a while longer. They took a seat in an empty booth, sipped their coffees and checked social media.

**-We stopped for coffee, I’ll be home in an hour and a half, hopefully**

**-You home?**

**-Dan??**

     Phil had enough, he decided to call Dan right then and there. Riiiing. Riiiing. Riiiing. Riiiing.

     “Hello, you’ve reached Dan Howell, please leave your message and number and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible, thanks.” Dan’s prerecorded message said to Phil.

     “Hey, please call me back as soon as you hear this, I’m getting worried. Love you, bye,” Phil said a little too desperately into his phone. Louise gave him another questioning look, that Phil caught.

     “Dan. He hasn’t texted me back and I haven’t heard from him all day except a note and voicemail saying he went out to get milk. I’m getting worried, Lou, why hasn’t he texted or called, he’s always on his phone, or at least near it,” Phil rushed out, panic starting to set in again. A knot was rising in his throat and his eyes were prickling with tears. He brushed them away, hastily, not wanting Louise to see him in such a desperate state.

     “Oh…honey…I just don’t know. I thought you had been keeping it together…I thought you were moving on from…had I known you... I don’t know how…” Louise tried to tell him.

     “What’re you talking about, you’re not making any sense, Louise.” Phil said, confused.

     “…Phil…the reason Dan hasn’t been answering you…” Louise started, “…Is because…well…he…Phil, he…he died,”

     Phil looked at her, baffled. The sinking feeling in his gut became stronger, he felt the truth of her words settle in and he suddenly felt angry.

     “That’s not funny, why would you say something like that?” Phil said furiously.

     He didn’t understand why Louise was saying such a terrible thing, she didn’t have such a sinister sense of humor. Most of all, he didn’t understand why he felt there was truth to her words. Dan couldn’t be dead, he left him a note saying he was going out for milk; he called to tell him he had stopped at the park and was now buying milk. Phil could hear the noises in the background of the message confirming Dan was where he said he was. He could hear the beeps of the scanner and the chatter of children begging for chocolates and bags of crisps. He could distinctly hear women chatting away to whomever accompanied them on their trip. Dan couldn’t be dead. Dan. Couldn’t. Be. Dead. He just couldn’t.

     Where would Phil be without him, they were a team; perfectly contrasting enough to be different but perfectly similar to meet halfway, much like their fringes. Phil loved Dan and he knew Dan loved him back. Dan was the happiness in his life, the reason he smiled and laughed. Dan helped him ground himself when no one else knew what to say. He helped him relax and helped him work. Dan gave him a new perspective in life, challenged the way he comfortably saw the world. Dan made his life for the better. He couldn’t be gone.

     “I’m so sorry, Phil. It’s been 2 months and I don’t know what else to tell you except that I miss him too but we need to move forward. Dan wouldn’t want us to stop living just because he did, he’d want you, specifically, to keep living for him. You know it’s true, Phil,” Louise was crying now. Tears made their way down her cheeks, bringing a tiny bit of makeup with them, staining her face with thin streaks of black.

     “No no no no! He isn’t dead, Louise, and I can’t sit here not knowing if he’s okay!” Phil said a little too loudly, panic really starting to set in.

     “I’m going home to check on him, I’ll see you,” He rushed out, blinking the tears away, grabbing his coat and sliding out of the booth. He grabbed his bags and quickly made his way to the door.

     “Wait, Phil, be safe!” He heard Louise call after him, still in tears.

     He threw his cup of coffee away on his way out and flagged down a cab. He sat in the cool leather interior and gave the driver his address. Phil was too upset to do anything except stare out the window but he fought over his motion sickness and texted Dan again.

**-Im on my way home**

**-Louise said a cruel thing and my mood is ruined.**

**-Could you set the kettle, I need to calm down**

**-Also have Buffy ready to play**

**-Plz plz plz let me know that youre okay plz txt me back**

No answer. Phil’s desperation set in and he listened to Dan’s voicemail again.  

     Dan’s voice helped soothe him but he couldn’t help but feel something was off. He tried his best to ignore it. Phil leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes. He wouldn’t let himself think about the horrible things that could’ve happened to Dan so instead he thought about all the wonderful times they had together.

     Skyping for the first time, how Dan’s pixelated face shined with such intensity on his screen and how his stomach fluttered from silly nerves. The countless hours in the night spent on the best conversations of his entire life. The wonder that came with learning about Dan, his experiences, his hopes and dreams. Telling Dan about his own ideas and struggles, his fears and aspirations. He never grew tired of talking to Dan. 

     Phil had always thought Dan was beautiful, but meeting him in person for the first time, Phil actually had forgotten to breathe. It wasn’t until Dan hug-tackled him that he was forced to let out the air he had been holding. Breathing in, he noticed the air tasted different, Dan’s scent mingling, transforming it to smell a little fresher and a little sweeter. He relayed this to Dan who then laughed and blushed. Dan told him he thought the air smelled that way when he hugged him, too.

     Saying ‘I love you’ for the first time, Phil’s heartbeat increased with fear of Dan’s reaction. Dan had given him a smile filled with blushes and eyelashes, as he looked down with overwhelming feelings of excitement before he leaned over and kissed him with such tenderness, Phil worried his heart was going to stop in this moment. Dan broke the kiss to whisper “I love you” and then kissed him again. Phil seriously hoped he didn’t die in this moment.

     Dan visiting him when he was at uni, staying up late playing video games instead of helping him study. Dan existed more at Phil’s place than his dorm that Phil decided to just ask Dan to move in. When he finally gathered the courage to formally ask him, he gave Dan a shy, hopeful smile. The way Dan’s face lit up with elation for a few seconds before he composed himself to try to be cool, Phil fell in love a little deeper with the sparkle in his eyes, his dimple shyly peeking out from the hints of a wide smile, the way he shook slightly from the energy he was containing within himself.

     Phil remembered it all. From meeting online and in-person, to moving in together. From moving to London, to making their gaming channel. Creating their radio show, to writing their book. From creating their tour and travelling across the UK, to travelling across America and Australia. Phil remembered all the little moments when he found himself falling more in love with Dan than he could ever possibly imagine. Phil loved Dan so deeply he couldn’t imagine not creating memories with him anymore.

     The cab stopped and Phil heard the driver ask for the fare. Phil opened his eyes and felt hot heavy tears spill down his face. He wiped them away quickly and pulled out his wallet. Phil paid the driver when the driver asked if he was okay.

     “I’ll be fine,” Phil tried to reassure him, but the lump in his throat caused his voice to sound thick with emotion.

     He grabbed his bags and coat and slipped out of the car. Walking up to the front door, Phil felt the feeling of dread that he’d been carrying around all day, fall to his stomach. He turned the key, opened the door, and felt the dread grow heavier, weighing down his legs as he made his way up the stairs to their door. After a mountain and a half climb, he found himself staring at their front door. He placed the key in the lock and turned it. He grasped the handle, and paused before opening the door.

     “You’re being silly, just open the door, he’ll be there,” Phil told himself.

     He opened the door and took a deep breath in. The place was completely dark. Dan was terrified of the dark, he wouldn’t just leave all the lights off, especially if he was home alone.

     “Dan?” Phil called into the apartment, uncertainly.

     No response. Phil switched on the front light and made his way to the lounge. Dark and empty. He turned on that light, too, and placed his bags and coat on the dining table. He stopped himself from running to the bedrooms, instead opting for checking the office, giving Dan time to magically appear on a bed, browsing the internet. The office door was open slightly, but the lights were off. Dan would not be in there. He opened the door anyway and turned on the light. Empty. He turned back to check the bedrooms. Each step felt simultaneously agonizingly slow and fast, but he finally made it. The light from the lounge spilled into the hallway but Phil was confronted with dark rooms. He tried his own room first to stall for more time. Dan was not in here. Shaking, he turned to Dan’s room. This is it. Phil hangs onto a small glimmer of hope that Dan will be there. He turns on the light and…Dan is not home.

     Phil let the tears fall freely again, he let the sobs rack his entire body, let them shake his shoulders and rock his body as he curled in on himself on the floor. He suddenly realized he was laying on what Dan had dubbed the ‘Existential Crisis Hallway.’ He sobbed harder into his knees, the carpet pressing into his face, most likely leaving texture marks.

     “Breathe, Phil. You need to breathe, c’mon, Phil. Breathe,” Phil could practically hear Dan helping him to calm down.

     Phil momentarily pulled himself together and took a deep breath in. He held it a few seconds before letting it out and trying once again to control his breathing.  When he was down to a few whimpers and hiccups, Phil pulled out his phone and listened to the voicemail again.

     “Hey Phil, I know I went out for milk a long time ago, but I ended up taking a walk through a park. Don’t worry, I already ate something, but I’m at the shop, now, so I’ll be home soon… Bye, love you!” Dan repeated over the phone.

     Phil dragged the player marker back to rewind the message. “…ye, love you!”

     He did it again, he needed to hear the comforting words again. “…Bye, love you!”

     Again. “…love you!”

     Phil did it again and again, until he felt tears fall from his face once more. He wiped them away and was about to rewind the message again when something caught his eye. The message still had the bubble indicating he had not heard the message but he had. Phil had heard the message so many times, he lost track of how many times he rewound the message to hear Dan say he loved him. Phil looked at the date of the message and it was indeed 2 months ago. He checked his settings for a mistake in date but they simply stated to always mark the message as locked.

     Phil stood up suddenly and went to check the note on the fridge. It was in Dan’s messy handwriting, the ink smearing a little from where his left hand dragged against the notepad. The note lacked an indicator that would tell him when it was written but judging by the crinkly corners and a single smudge in the downward direction, Phil guessed it wasn’t as fresh as he had originally thought.

     He made his way back to Dan’s bed and wrapped the duvet around himself the way he often saw Dan doing. Phil noticed that it did smell of Dan but it wasn’t as strong as it should’ve been. There were tear stains on the pillow he slept on and Dan’s pillow smelled more of Phil’s body wash. Phil sadly took out his phone again and texted Dan once more.

**-Where are you? why arent you home**

**-Louise told me you died 2 months ago**

**-I didnt want to believe her but now im not sure**

**-Plz call me back**

**-Dan**

**-I miss you so much**

**-I feel so alone**

**-The flat is lonely without you**

**-Plz come home**

**-You cant be dead, I love you too much**

     Phil didn’t receive any answers. He tried calling him again but was met with Dan’s voicemail. He didn’t feel like leaving a message. Instead he wanted to fall asleep, dream about him and Dan in a happier place. He got up and turned off the lights he turned on in the apartment, reminded again of how empty it was and how he didn’t even consider it home, anymore. Dan was his home. Dan is gone, now, and with him, any sense of home Phil came to grasp after leaving his parents’.

     He picked out some pajama bottoms and an old t-shirt and headed towards the shower. Phil decided to take a hot shower to help him relax. The smell of Dan’s shampoo overwhelmed him and he was instantly taken back to the last time he was with Dan.

_Phil’s eyes flew open after having another nightmare. Sitting up, he didn’t recognize his surroundings until he looked around and remembered he was in Dan’s bed. He turned over in the hopes of admiring Dan’s sleeping face but was met with a view to the slightly open door._

_“Dan?” He called out. No answer._

_He grabbed his phone from the nightstand to check the time. 7am. “Where is he?”_

_Phil put on his discarded socks and glasses and walked to the kitchen, finding a bowl of flour and sugar on the counter. He noticed a note next to the bowl, it read:_

 Out of milk, be back soon. xx

                                                       -Dan 

_Phil shrugged it off and returned to Dan’s bed, falling asleep instantly. He was abruptly awakened by a loud buzzing sound. He sat up and momentarily cursed the construction worker interrupting his sleep so early in the morning. He realized the buzzing stopped and was about to fall asleep again when he heard a short buzz come from his phone. He turned over to the nightstand and brought his phone close to his face._

**_Missed Call from [DAN]_ **

**_New Voicemail from [DAN]_ **

_Phil unlocked his phone and went straight for the voicemail._

_"Hey Phil, I know I went out for milk a long time ago, but I ended up taking a walk through a park. Don’t worry, I already ate something, but I’m at the shop, now, so I’ll be home soon… Bye, love you!” Phil heard Dan say over the noise of the people in the shop._

_Phil quickly dressed, combed his hair, brushed his teeth, grabbed his phone, keys and wallet and headed out to surprise Dan at the shop. He walked quickly to the shop they frequented because of its proximity to their home and went straight to the milk section, hoping Dan wouldn’t spot him due to his obnoxious height. Dan had his back turned to the direction Phil was at and Phil tiptoed behind him._

_“OH MY GOSH, it’s Dan, I’m a huge fan, could I get a picture?!” Phil said directly into Dan’s ear._

_Dan yelped and moved away quickly before realizing it was Phil who had talked very loudly into his ear. Phil was doubled over with laughter at Dan’s reaction. He couldn’t hear Dan over his laughter so Phil assumed he walked away when he heard soft chuckles coming from somewhere in front of him. Phil composed himself and straightened himself up, looking at Dan. Dan was flushed slightly, smiling at Phil and shaking his head at him._

_“You pleb!” Dan said playfully. “What if I had dropped the milk??”_

_“Oops?” Phil, tried, hugging Dan briefly. They were in public, after all._

_Dan grabbed the correct milk and was heading towards the tills when Phil steered him to the cereal._

_“Did you eat my cereal again, while I was gone? I was making us pancakes,” Dan told Phil pointedly._

_“No, I haven’t, but we are running out!” Phil replied defensively._

_Dan decided to grab a basket and buy little things they needed. Soon enough the basket grew too heavy to lug around so they paid for their small groceries and started for home. They walked out of the shop, grocery bags split between them, their unoccupied hands brushing occasionally a few seconds too long when they thought no one was looking. They came to the crosswalk and waited for it to signal. A sudden earsplitting screech rang throughout the street and suddenly Phil felt himself falling backward, the smell of Dan’s shampoo in his nose. A car slammed into the building on his left, a mere foot away from where he was standing._

_“Oh my gosh,” He gasped, still on the ground, “Dan, are you alright? I think I tripped and fell backwards but it’s lucky that I did…”_

_Phil couldn’t hear an answer over the shrill sirens filling the street. He slowly sat up, grimacing from the pain radiating from the impact of his body slamming into the cement. Paramedics suddenly swarmed in, restraining him in order to prevent him from hurting himself further._

_“I’m fine, please make sure Dan’s okay, I haven’t heard from him!” He snapped._

_“Sir, I really need to check you for any concussions or broken bones. Let me do my job, so the rest of my crew can help your friend,” A paramedic told him in a soothing voice._

_Phil allowed the paramedic to check him over, silently praying to all the gods he could think of, for Dan._

_“Please, tell me how Dan is doing, is he okay?” Phil asked again, his voice filled with desperation._

_“I’m so sorry,” He heard faintly, before passing out._

_When Phil awoke, he was in a hospital bed. The smell of antiseptic filled his nose, the brightness of the lights and whiteness of the walls, hurting his head._

_“Dan?” Phil croaked, his voice scratchy and dry from sleep._

_Something moved to his left and he turned his head with difficulty, hoping to find Dan there. It was a nurse, checking his vitals._

_“Don’t move, you’ll hurt your head further. You took a nasty fall and had a concussion but luckily the EMTs rushed you here and the doctors took care of you,” the nurse told him gently._

_“What happened to me?” Phil asked._

_“From my understanding, you were at a crosswalk when a driver lost control and rammed the car into the building by the crossing. You were pushed out of the way by a young gentleman standing there with you,” The nurse explained._

_“That must have been Dan, is he okay? Can you take me to him, is he awake?” Phil rushed out, attempting to sit up._

_The nurse restrained him from sitting up, avoiding eye contact._

_“What’s wrong, why can’t I go see him? Please, tell me how he is!” Phil cried out, tears forming in his eyes._

_“I’m sorry. The paramedics reported he passed away on impact,” The nurse whispered.  “The car was going too fast and its force … well… it crushed him,”_

Phil let out his pain in the shower. The hot water and tears mixed on his face and he couldn’t tell what was hotter: the water or his tears. Unable to hold himself upright anymore, he sat down under the spray of the water and cried into his knees. He didn’t bother calming himself down, he wanted to cry out his pain like he had done for the first 2 weeks after the accident.

He cried until he felt he couldn’t cry anymore, the water had long since become cold. Gingerly, he stood up and finished cleansing himself under the cold water. He got out, wrapped himself in towels, and made his way to his room. The place was freezing so Phil dried himself off and dressed quickly. He walked to the thermostat and turned on the furnace. He returned to his room and sat on the bed but if Phil was completely honest with himself, he knew he didn’t want to be in his own bed. Instead, he stood and walked over to Dan’s room, where he once again cocooned himself in Dan’s bed sheets. Today’s happenings took an emotional toll on him. He was exhausted, but he just couldn’t fall asleep knowing he wouldn’t wake up next to Dan.

_The furnace was broken again. Phil’s room provided no heat and Dan offered him half of his bed. They lay together wrapped up in blankets and limbs, trying to create and retain heat in the unforgiving night. Phil felt at peace with Dan’s face resting against his chest, Dan’s cold nose pressing softly into his warm skin. Phil was on the brink of sleep when Dan spoke suddenly._

_“Hey…so um, I’m gonna go see my grandma, on Thursday, and I think I’m going to spend a week there…” Dan’s voice barely above a whisper._

_Phil took a few seconds to process Dan’s words, sleep clouding his mind._

_“Oh, okay, sure…is she alright?” Phil finally spoke up._

_“She’s fine…she called me yesterday and she told me her best friend, Helena, passed away 2 days ago and she was feeling down so she called me to take her mind of off it.” Phil felt Dan say, his tired voice vibrating against Phil’s ribs._

_“Oh, I’m so sorry… you know… I can’t even_ begin _to imagine what she must be going through…I don’t know how I would go on, if you went before I did…” Phil whispered to Dan, closing his eyes_

_Phil felt himself being pulled into Dan as he shifted to be completely on top of Phil. He opened his eyes to try to see what Dan was doing but he couldn’t see anything. When his eyes finally focused, he saw Dan’s chocolate brown eyes centimeters away from his own. Unknowing of what to do, Phil stared back. He felt Dan’s lips graze his and he instinctively moved his head up in order to fully kiss Dan._

_“You don’t have to worry about that, old man,” Dan cheekily said before kissing him again, this time deepening the kiss slightly._

_Phil tasted the mint of Dan’s toothpaste on his tongue and smelled their body wash from the closeness of their face. Dan’s scent surrounded him from the pillow to the bed sheets to Dan laying on top of him. He sighed contently into Dan’s mouth before he fully registered what Dan had said._

_“Old man? I’m not even that old, still at my prime age of 24, a wee lad,” Phil insisted._

_“M’kay, if you say so, Phil. No one needs to add 7, then, because you’re obviously 24.” Dan said, rolling off of him._

_Phil turned onto his side and kissed Dan along the side of his face, down to his jaw and shoulder, avoiding his neck since neither of them were really in the mood._

_“Seriously, though, what would I do without you?” Phil asked as he shifted again to lay his head on Dan’s chest this time._

_“Hmmm…well… I wouldn’t want you to stop living however many years you have left. I think I’d want you to momentarily forget me so you could do you or us until we met again.” Dan answered, after a while._

_“I could never forget you, though. That’s like telling a chair to move and expecting it to move without help.” Phil claimed._

_“Well, don’t literally forget me, you spork, just put me in the back of your mind, do the things you would do, and do them for the both of us.” Dan explained._

_“It’d be easier to forget you, honestly.” Phil mumbled playfully into Dan’s chest._

_“Wow, true, I don’t know what I was expecting?” Dan chuckled._

_“Let’s sleep, I’m finally feeling sleepy,” Phil heard Dan say, drifting off into a pleasant dream._

“Why can’t I remember to forget you?” He whispered, closing his eyes before more tears could form, falling into a deep sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave me a comment and/or a kudos if you enjoyed. Tell me what you think and if I should fix anything :3  
> I'm sorry if it broke your heart, it broke mine, too.  
> Also the title is from Shakira's song feat. Rhianna called Can't Remember to Forget You but it's not related to the story, I just thought the title fit really well with how the story plays out.  
> Special thanks to my wonderful betas, Lauren and Isabel! Thanks for hearing and helping me out, it means a lot to me and I really appreciate it<3


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